Thursday, October 9, 2008

Getting rid of hurt



http://www.flickr.com/photos/wenflickr/276595491/

Question:(unedited)
hello Justin I am back again. Recently a friend of mine did some things that hurt me very much. I won't go into details but lets just say that she did some very deceitful and manipulative things to hurt me. Now I have used my buddhist wisdom to understand that she is foolish for trying to gain happiness by hurting others, and I do not want revenge, I simply explained to her how I feel, wished her well and told her we will not be friends any longer. The problem is that my meditation practice is now suffering. During meditation my mind aches with hurt, I am not angry and I have tried a "loving-kindness" type of meditation but still my mind races with hurt. What can I do during my practice to help this? I know deep down inside that this situation will pass, but right now it hurts. Thank you Justin for your advice and I hope you are happy and healthy.


My comment:
Yes, you are back again...9th time!

Remember I told you about the straight jacket simile? The more you struggle, the tighter its grip. You must not dwell in the thought. You have to just "NOTE" the thought, period. When it comes again just note and do not pass any comment for or against. Do not hold court and do not be the righteous judge. Otherwise, you will fall into the trap set up by your egoistic mind trying to justify this and condemning that. By the time you realize that you are wondering, you would have come full circle!

Waiting for your good news of teaching your mind a lesson!

Remember you cannot turn back the clock, or manipulate time. But you can take control of the point in time, by just "noting" without judgment. After awhile it will become "nothing". But it will come again, then you "note" again. It is a big "battle". This is Dhamma.

Smile from justinchoo :-) Waiting for your tenth visit!

6 comments:

A true Malaysian said...

Justin,

The one who posed you this question was in fact contradicting himself / herself. At one hand, he / she claimed that he / she was not angry, on the other hand, she told his / her friend that he / she doesn't want to be friend anymore.

So, he / she was in fact 'angry' and that disturbed his / her meditation.

I have the same experience in real world and blogosphere. I chose to ignore the abusive comments, and I feel great.

Justin Choo said...

A True Malaysian,

That's what we call self-justification due to our big ego and/or foolishness.

Barry said...

Hi Justin,
Your correspondent adopts a common view: A friend did something that hurt me.

This view externalizes the harm, placing the responsibility with the other person.

But where does the hurt come from? "Hurt" and "harm" come from our own minds. We make "hurt."

Our friends and acquaintances simply behave the way they behave. How we view their behavior is up to us.

If your correspondent's mind "races with hurt," they are surely holding onto their feelings of resentment and anger toward their friend.

How we view circumstances and relationships is up to us. We have a choice in our lives!

When we practice, we attain the source of our suffering. It is not outside of ourselves. It is in the function of our very own mind. When we "get" this, then the suffering can fall away and we can be enlightened by all things.

Your friend in the Dharma,
Barry

Justin Choo said...

Barry,

Thanks for visiting and commenting.

We are all along the journey of learning and hopefully improving our skill to live life wisely.

The reality is that on many occasions, the hurt really came from external sources. But how we respond is the wisdom within us.

What is your view on this?

Barry said...

Hi Justin,

This journey of self-discovery is available to all of us and I appreciate being able to take it with you.

Just last night my wife and I had a conversation that seemed to me to be quite difficult - I thought she was being unnecessarily critical of me.

When I reviewed the conversation and my feelings with her this morning, I discovered that she was not being critical at all. Instead, I realized that in my mind, I was playing out an old drama with my mother - last night I viewed (subconsciously) my dear wife as my mother.

And that's how it is in the world. Our mind is so terribly tricky and subtle. In my experience, most of the "harm" I suffer is because my mind reacts to someone based on ancient mind-habits.

Until I can reveal these habits, and see them arise in the moment, I will never be able to respond fully and wisely to the situation.

This is not to say that there is no objective "evil" in the world. Clearly, people who engage in activities that violate the precepts must be dealt with responsibly. The harm created by a thief is not a construct of my mind.

But for most of us, I think, we react to situations based on old patterns and habits, not on the clear perception of true situation, relationship, and function.

That's why practice is so important. Practice uncovers our mind-habits and provides us with the stability to work with those habits as they appear, moment to moment.

Without dedicated practice, most of us are in the control of hidden forces. "Hurt" and "anger" and other emotions arise from these hidden aspects of our own minds.

Your friend in the Dharma,
Barry

Justin Choo said...

Barry,

I agree with your comments.

Most of the time our untrained mind takes control of us, and we react to situations like a fool.

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