The Devil in us.

Question : (Unedited)

do buddhists believe in satin A.K.A. the devil ?

My comment:

Hi T,

No, we don't believe. 　But yes, we know the existence of the devil. 　This "devil" is not affiliated to any religion. 　This "devil" is within us. 　Whenever we are angry, hateful, greedy, vengeful, selfish, and having other evil thoughts or doing any evil deeds, we just need to stand infront of the mirror and we will see the REAL devil!!

Compassion and forgiveness

Question : (Unedited)

Hi! I don't know much about buddhism but I have read a bit on compassion.  I tend to hold grudges quite often, and it is hard for me to forgive people.  Do you have any suggestions on how I can find compassion towards people who have hurt me, instead of holding these grudges?

Thank you very much! 

My comment:

 Hi L...,

Thank you for asking me.

"Compassion" is a very big word and a tall order.  It is easy to feel compassion for others, while still not lifting a finger to do anything.  The dictionary defines it as "sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it".  Perhaps replacing "practise compassion" with "act with compassion" will send a clearer message.

The degree of compassion one may have will depend on one's spiritual qualities and external circumstances.  

We must be careful not to become "good hearted fools". We have to be pragmatic in conducting our worldly affairs. It is easy to deceive ourselves that we can be really compassionate for all and sundry. If we are not up to the standard, so to say, we just cannot be compassionate to all. We simply don't have all the qualities that enable us to behave as such. So the next practical approach to take is to do our best. We must first of all assess our level of spiritual maturity, and then to practise according to that level. Given time, we may be able to improve ourselves in our spiritual pursuits and hopefully be able to really feel compassionate for more people of all characters. At the same time to act on it.  In the meantime we need not have to take on the role of a "perfect" Buddhist.  In this world of imperfection, we just have to try our best and leave the others which we cannot control.

The Buddha reminded us that "anger" is one of our 3 evil roots. The 3 evil roots are "greed", "hatred", and "delusion". "Anger" is a form of hatred. "Delusion" is our ignorance to comprehend the true nature of our lives and the world. These 3 roots cause us great pain because we react to conditions in the wrong way leading us to greater miseries. Take "anger" for instance. Medical science has proven that when we get angry, our system heats up, all energy wasted to further support this heat wave when we wallow in this cycle of adding fuel to the fire. Our bodies literally burn inside us; consuming us both spiritually and physically. Knowing this fact, do we still want to hurt ourselves by this foolish behaviour?

It is already bad enough that others had hurt us. Do we want to further hurt ourselves? By getting angry, we think that we are getting even with the other party. No. It is like spitting up in the air.

"What does one do about people who have wronged us?"

It is easy to advise that we radiate loving kindness to them. I find this to be too difficult for most people. Why not take the rational approach? First we have to be sure that they are the ones who had wronged us. Many times we may be the culprits. Well, assuming they had hurt us. First, is to take whatever rational approach available, legally or diplomatically. Now come to the spiritual aspect. You have done whatever that needs to be done...that's all. Now you get on with your life. When we start living life in this positive manner, we will have inner peace. Let nature, kamma, or whatever, takes its course. The Buddha reminded us that if we follow the Dhamma, his teachings, the Dhamma protects us. This is the type of confidence that a wise Buddhist will have. Given time, we will find that we can genuinely forgive those who had hurt us. Then we will have complete peace in ourselves.

In the meantime, if thoughts of hatred and unforgiveness crop up, just note that emotion and be mindful that this emotion is negative, unproductive, and detrimental to one's health.  Then let go of the thought.  Given time, you will feel a sense of inner peace.  Time heals.  

The wound and the scar

Question : (Unedited)

Good Day:

I am fairly new to buddhism but believe my answers lie there..my question is how to forgive a spouse who has had an affair: getting past the hurt. The desire to forgive is there...it's how to stop the hurt. I understand there are things I have done wrong...and this has probably contributed...I know all these actions are empty..but the effects are there.

Thank you for your time

R...

My comment: 

Hi R...,

I appreciate your sharing of your experiences.  It's said that half the problem is solved once a person shares it with someone!  Hope this is the case.  The following comments will hopefully solve the other half, and you will be a happy man again!

It is not easy to forgive.  I know because I also face the same problem.  But you can just let go of the thought of being hurt.  This is the Buddhist way:  to let go when the thought comes.  After a while, the hurt will begin to subside because you are not allowing the recurrent thought to torture your mind and ruin your life.  You have to replace this cancerous thought of hate and not forgiving, with thoughts of magnanimity and acceptance of what had already happened.  

You have done whatever that needs to be done...that's all. Now you get on with your life. When we start living life in this positive manner, we will have inner peace. Let nature, kamma, or whatever, takes its course. The Buddha reminded us that if we follow the Dhamma, his teachings, the Dhamma protects us. This is the type of confidence that a wise Buddhist will have. Given time, we will find that we can genuinely forgive those who had hurt us. Then we will have complete peace in ourselves.

It's just like having a wound.  Even when the wound is healed, the scar remains.  But once we accept the scar as an inevitable result of the wound which had already healed, then we accept the scar as part of our appearance.  If we are lucky the scar will disappear in time.  If not, we still carry on with our lives as normal because we have already accepted the scar as part of our lives.

Hope you feel better now.  Please come back if need be.

Cheating spouse

Question : (Unedited)

My husband cheated on me, but he said that he made a mistake.  Although, we haven't really talked about it, because I am so hurt that I think I had a mental breakdown.  He doesn't talk much and has really never talked much.  I am hurting inside, but I love him.  I don't want to be with someone that betrayed me.  How do I get through this?  I do have faith in God and I pray a lot.  What do you think?

My comment:

 Hi L,

First, I have to remind you that this is a Buddhist site, which means my views will be reflective of the Buddhist thoughts.  Secondly, I wish to say that I am not a qualified counsellor.  This will be my personal comments based on my little experience in life.

"My husband cheated on me, but he said that he made a mistake."

Did he confess first before you found out?  If this is so, then I would think he felt guilty and remorse and would like to be forgiven.   If you were the one who found out, then it's another matter.

"Although, we haven't really talked about it, because I am so hurt that I think I had a mental breakdown.  He doesn't talk much and has really never talked much."

You don't talk because you are preoccupied with the thought of being cheated by the one you loved dearly.  He doesn't talk, most probably because of his guilt and fear of hurting you further.  This is a vicious cycle.

"I am hurting inside, but I love him.  I don't want to be with someone that betrayed me."

You have to make up your mind before you can resolve this predicament.  If you don't want to live with one who had betrayed you, and can never forgive him, then that's the end of the story.  But if you still love him, then you have to give him a chance to repent. There is no two ways about it. You cannot hate him and not forgive him, and yet desire to be with him. You will never be happy with this state of mind.

Assuming you really want to be with him, then you must give him another chance.  It is not easy to forgive.  But you can just let go of the thought of his hurting you.  This is the Buddhist way:  to let go when the thought comes.  After a while, the hurt will begin to subside because you are not allowing the recurrent thought to torture your mind and ruin your life.  You have to replace this cancerous thought of hate and not forgiving, with thoughts of magnanimity and acceptance of what had already happened.  

" I do have faith in God and I pray a lot. "

If you are a Christian and you have faith in God, then by all means ask for his strength to support you and lead you to the right path.  But I think the most important step you have got to take is to decide for yourself which way you want to go.

Hope my few comments can be of some help and consolation.

Regards.

Hard it is to maintain one's cool.

Question:(Unedited)

We touched on this before on a separte issue, but I would like more information if you would be kind enough to share it; On frustration, I realize its a negative emotion that can only harm myself, but once anger begins its easy for it to spiral. How does one stop it in the first place?

My comment:

Hi M,

I am sorry to disappoint you with my answer. There is NO easy way to stop all negative and aggressive emotions from flaring up. I am speaking from my personal experience. Different people have different tendencies and characteristics, mostly carried forward from their past kamma. As such these are very strong traits which are very difficult to change. If one is fortunate to carry positive and amiable traits, one faces less problem and would be most probably a very likeable and successful person. On the other hand, if one carries negative and obnoxious traits, then one is in trouble for the rest of one's life.

The immediate defence is to learn from mistakes and to acknowledge them. Then we try again. For long term strategy, Buddhist meditation is the answer. We have to cultivate good habits in order to rid the bad ones. If we can successfully train our mind to be constantly mindful of our thoughts and actions, then we can control the situation. When negative or hateful thoughts or reactions surface, we will have the presence of mind to check our reactions, and respond skilfully and wisely.

The other approach is to tell ourselves that negative thoughts are harmful to our nervous systems. If we choose to prolong this mental poisoning, then we ourselves, are to suffer and not the other parties. If we are wise, then we will take steps to check our negative emotions.

Below is the recitation that I used to recite most mornings upon waking up. It is from the famous "motivation Guru (teacher)" Napoleon Hill, which I quote:
"Until I've learned to be tolerant with those who do not always agree with me-- Until I've cultivated the habit of saying some kind words of those whom I do not admire--Until I've formed the habit of looking for the good instead of the bad thare is in others; I will be neither successful nor happy. For every act or thought that I release modifies my own character in exact conformity with the nature of the act or thought. I cannot release a thought without first implanting the sum and substance and nature of it in my own subconscious mind, there to become a part and parcel of my own character. This is why I cannot afford to hate or envy or strike back at another person."

See? Universal truths have no boundary. I am sure Hill is no Buddhist, but he had wisdom to see the truth!

Have peace: from justinchoo :-)

Have a nice day!

Question : (Unedited)

How do you forgive those who have hurt you so deep you can not even stand to look at them or think of them or talk about them with anyone?
I know that this anger and hate is causing me more pain and destruction of myself than my hating this person does to her. She will always be the kind of destructive person she is. I can't change her-how do I change me?
Thank You, J

Not really sure to tell you what my "belief" is. I have always tried to do the right things, taught my children to be decent, loving, caring, understanding. They are wonderful. Why is it so hard for me? I don't want to hate, I am sickened by the anger this person brings to my life. She is a relative so it is impossible to escape having her in my life. She does not care who she hurts or how. She is never sorry. Unfortunetly her daughter is the same way. I have tried to forgive her several times and we have started over without it lasting for long. They lie, steal, manipulate people and situations, always causing grief and destruction in my life and my marriage. This has been going on for 35 years. I ask them to stay away from my home and myself about 2 years ago. Even tho I have no contact with them, do not speak of them with other family members things are still uneven in my marriage and other family relationships. Forgiving them only sets me up for their next catastrophe. Any suggestions?





My comment:

Hi J,

Welcome to the real world. The more fortunate people do not have to experience the agony of family feuds, naughty and incorrigible children, unfilial siblings, squabbling parents, and a host of other family problems. I fully understand how you feel for I am still reeling over similar problems, perhaps more than yours.

Before we get too upset over these problems, we have to realize the true nature of life. As Buddhists we are reminded that this life and this world are by their very nature, unsatisfactory. We are here to act out our parts in life, the good and the bad. As Buddhists we attribute this as the results of our past kamma (actions). Many things we have the power to change and prevent. However, certain things and events are destined to happen. We can try our best to lead a skilful and peaceful life. Having done our best and troubles still haunt us, then we have to find solace in the teachings of the Buddha. This is the true nature of existence.

Now coming back to your comment:
" How do you forgive those who have hurt you so deep you can not even stand to look at them or think of them or talk about them with anyone?"
Actually you are experiencing the exact opposite of what you wrote. You still want to look at them, you still think of them, and you still talk about them! That's why you are feeling miserable. Just consider this: If you do not look at them, do not think of them, and do not talk about them; then you will not have any more problems with them! This is pure logic.

We have been deceived by our mind. Each time when I took my shower, the old scenario played itself over and over again, how they hurt me, how they deserted my mother, why my daughter could have become such..... After awhile I finished my shower and the mental self destructive stage-play stopped! We become victims to our problems which by themselves are already bad enough. To associate mentally with them is like the proverbial adding insult to injury. This is what the Buddha referred to as unskilful conduct, which causes misery.


Your next comment:
"I know that this anger and hate is causing me more pain and destruction of myself than my hating this person does to her. She will always be the kind of destructive person she is. I can't change her-how do I change me?"

You got the facts right! Then start with a bit of common sense. Since such behaviour is not to our benefit, we should make effort to reduce this bad habit. As for me, when such thoughts came by and at times when I was mindful, I would command my mind to stop the poisoning, stop the non-productive and destructive thoughts! I didn't have to forgive. Maybe I am not wise enough or magnanimous enough to forgive. But I can stop the destructive thoughts from haunting me. This is the difference.

Your next comment:
"This has been going on for 35 years. I ask them to stay away from my home and myself about 2 years ago. Even tho I have no contact with them, do not speak of them with other family members things are still uneven in my marriage and other family relationships."
If this person is no longer within sight, then I would assume this person would not be causing any problem now. Thirty-five years is a very long time. Perhaps you may want to try the method that I am practising.

Have peace in yourself, if not for others.

Have a nice day!

You are better than me.

Question : (Unedited)
Hello Justinchoo,

I am an avid reader of expert Buddhism and my interest in Buddhism started quite recently. I think its great religion / philosphy. And the answers of Buddhism expert are always helpful.

Buddha taught that we should be compassionate and tolerent of other people. Hatred and violence are not solutions to any problem.

Today I was angry/livid at a situation at the beginning. I did have some violent thoughts (thinking of shouting or hitting the guilty one). After calming down (I dont know how I achieved it), I acted out of practicality and calmness.

Find a solution, instead of dwelling on blame.

Do I break a rule in Buddism when I become angry or livid? Not lasting angry or hatred, but angry at that moment?

Thanks in advance

SS

My comment:

Hi SS,

Thank you for asking me.

You have done better than me! It is very easy to philosophize about compassion, patience, tolerance and kindness. But when we come face to face with realities it's a very different cup of tea, so to say. Different people have different thresholds of personality traits. Some are by nature very patient, while others are always hot tempered. I am of the opinion that a big percentage of our personality traits come from our past lives. It is very difficult to change our personality traits.

However, all is not lost. By following the teachings of the Buddha and meditation, one can improve one's character. The first battle is won once a person realizes his shortcomings and decides to overcome them. He will still continue to make the same mistakes but each time it happens, he realizes and takes step to check it. If it is too late, then he will feel remorse and will try again to do better come the next time. Over time, there sure will be an improvement. I am speaking from my own experience. And I still make the same stupid mistakes when I react without mindfulness.

When we make a mistake, we do not actually break any rule in Buddhism, for the Buddha did not impose any rule upon us. His warning was that if we break a universal rule, we open ourselves to problems and difficulties. As such we must cultivate good habits so that we can conduct our lives in a dignified and harmless manner. This is what we call skilful living.

How to control anger?

Question : (Unedited)
First I would like to say thank you for taking the time to answer questions I recently started reading the teachings of buddhism. I was raised in a Christian home but was made to go to church as a child. Now that I'm older I have questioned some things that were taught to me. I'm struggling with anger and low self-esteem and I would really like to know what I can do to help with this. If there is any advice that you could provide, I would really appreciate it And thank you for taking the time.-K-


My comment:

Hi K,

Thank you for asking me. And welcome to the journey of inner peace and happiness. Please take your time to know more about Buddhism. The "mother" of all Buddhist web sites is www.buddhanet.net which will link you to the vast network of Buddhist sites.

Coming back to your "problems", please be aware that all of us have anger and low self-esteem one time or another. This is "normal" human nature and shortcomings. What we can do is to acknowledge our shortcomings. We may also like to find out the cause(s) of our problems; most of these causes have roots from our childhood years influenced by the family environment, and society as a whole. As Buddhists we also attribute part of our character and personality to our past kamma.

I used to read lots of self-improvement books for inspiration and improving self-esteem. I found that the advices given are very similar to Buddhism. Universal truths have no boundary.

The main emphasis is one training of our mind to be positive. In order to improve our character, or rather, reduce our negative emotions, we have first to acknowledge the problems as real and at the same time to make effort to reduce them. Just by realization of our problems is already 50% of our problems solved. Each time your problem arises, note it; and you will find that the problem will become less frequent. Once you note it, you stop the negative process from continuing. It is a life-time process because our bad habits and negative tendencies are very deeply ingrained in our mind. It takes great effort to achieve positive results. The Buddhist concept of this method is what we call being mindful of each moment. We do not allow the mind to wander and wallow in negative and unhealthy thoughts.

Hope this helps.

Smile from justinchoo :-)

Let go of things that are passed.

Question : (Unedited)
hello justinchoo,
I have recently gone through a very painful breakup. I feel as
though I keep clinging to my ex, and the memories --and it is
causing me great suffering and dukka. Is there anything you can
reccomend to help stop clinging and grasping, as I know they
are the root of suffering.



My comment:
Hi Anonymous,

Thank you for asking me.

It's easy to say that I'm sorry to know of your problems. But that doesn't solve problems. First, we have to face reality squarely. Everybody has problems, one time or the other. So you are not alone. Secondly, time is the "mother" of all healers.

The method is to "let go" of the recurring thoughts of the hurts and justifications of what had already happened. Everytime when the same thoughts surface (and this surely will go on, no ends) you are just to say this to your mind "LET GO". This effectively means; you cut off the current of negative and disturbing thoughts, each time they surface, not allowing them time to overwhelm your thought pattern. In this way, you do not dwell on these thoughts any more than they appeared. In time, without your conscious knowledge, you will be free again.

In a more conventional approach, of course, the "shrinkers" will recommend, you go for a holiday, play more games, take a walk, indulge in social activities, talk to someone, and do anything that can take your mind away from your problems; and in time to come, you will be back to normal. Well, do all these!

In a more "Buddhistic" way, the approach is to acknowledge that this world is wrought with problems and unfortunately we are part of this vicious cycle of human events. Having acknowledged that, we accept what had already happened, and get on with life. As a consolation, we can spend more time chanting the Buddha's discourses, and also calm our mind through Buddhist meditation.

Well, problems are nothing new; so solutions are also nothing new. You have the freedom to choose. To let go, or to be haunted by recurring thoughts of sorrow which in your case are passed and gone.

Have peace, from justinchoo.

To fight like Mike Tyson. (Part 2 of 2)

(Picture from CK Hon)

Question: (unedited)

i am a lay buddhist and i got in a fight with a kid and now i feel bad i appolagised to him and i meditated and i recited mantra on forgivness so what is my karma right now is it low or high positive or netgitive and how can i get out of this

My comment:

Hi Tyson,

Welcome back! So you went ahead for the fight. It takes courage and character to be able to apologize to the other party. You are on the right track.

The Buddhist concept of kamma is a very complex subject. You must also know that kamma is not the only influencing factor that affect our lives. There are other factors, namely, the organic or genes; the physical like seasons; the mind or consciousness; and the natural order of phenomena like natural disasters. Kamma is the overwhelming factor that affects and influences our lives. However, we must understand what is this kamma. Kamma means action with intention; or volition. Things you do on purpose. In your case, you have done something intentionally, and this will cause a reaction or result. You can say kamma works in "mysterious" ways. We do not know when the reaction(s) will materialize. Also there are so many actions that we have performed, both good and bad; some good actions may overshadow the bad, and vise versa. So the best bet is to strive to perform good actions, and to avoid bad ones. It is common sense that actions performed cannot be retracted. This gives us more reason to be very careful with our actions.

Smile from justinchoo :-)

To fight like Mike Tyson. (Part1 of 2)

(Picture from CK Hon)



Question: (Unedited)

i am a 14 year old lay buddhist and i go to a highschool and im wondering is it ok to fight a kid if he really makes you mad and you want to punch him. I tried to meditate but he is still getting on my nerves so can i fight him

My comment:

Hi Tyson,

Thank you for asking me. At your age you are certainly not Mike Tyson. It is easy to get into fights, especially if you are strong and mighty. But it is not a wise decision because it is a lose lose situation. Even if you win the fight, you will still not solve the problem, because the "enemy" will still be lurking behind your shoulders waiting for the opportune time to strike. And if you lose; you lose.

It takes greater strength and character to restrain oneself. Perhaps you can physically avoid him to diffuse the difficult situation. You may consider consulting your student counsellor (if any) or your teacher, or even your parents.

Please take care.

Life comes in a package.

(Beautiful picture by another Blogger)

Question:(Unedited)
I am very interested in becoming a buddhist. I would like to ask you a question on a subject that I have read extensively. I notice that a buddhist prevents badness by adopting the beliefs but how does one remove bad things that one has done in their life. Can one be forgiven.

My comment:
Hi J......., Thank you for asking me; and welcome to the path of truth and inner peace. The Buddha taught universal truths which transcend race, nationality, culture, time and space. What he taught was applicable to everyone irrespective of whether the person believed or not because his teachings were based on universal truths.

The most important message by the Buddha was that we are the result of what we were; and we will be the result of what we are. This is the central concept of "kamma", which is "volition actions"; actions which are done on purpose. "Actions" does not only mean bodily actions, but can also be in the form of speech and thoughts. Whatever actions or kamma that we have commited cannot be undone. That is why Buddhists are very careful with their actions. The universal law of kamma rules supreme. It is neither moral or immoral, but amoral. It is non discriminative in nature. It is only the actions that count. In simple language, good actions beget good results; and bad actions bring sorrow.

All of us have to pay for our bad actions; while at the same time we do enjoy some happiness because of our good actions. Life comes in a package. The only way to "rid" our bad kamma is to start living right, from now on. The more good kamma we contribute, the more positive results we experience. It is just like diluting a salty water with more plain water until the water becomes pure. In the meantime we will continue to experience good and bad results. That is why we see suffering and at the same time happiness during the lifetime of a person. Those who enjoy their lives from day one until the end, are blessed with the results of past good kamma. While on the other extreme end, there are those who suffer from day one until they die.

We can forgive anyone; but that is not going to change his fate. If we want to be forgiven, we have to "forgive" ourselves by feeling remorse for the bad things that we have done, and to start living a harmless and wholesome life from now on. In this way, we will experience an inner peace, knowing that we are now following the right path.

Have peace; and smile from justinchoo :-)

Go ahead; get annoyed!

(Picture above may not relate to this post)
(Just for viewing pleasure)

Question:(unedited)
hello again my friend, I hope you are well. I find myself frustrated this week. You see, I work long shifts as a paramedic (12 sometimes 14 hours). And this particular week I'm working with a rather unpleasant individual. She is angry, impatient, rude, and generally not nice to be around. Now I've tried to be understanding, I've tried to think that this is my chance to practice the dharma and be compassionate towards her. But I have to say, I find myself very frustrated. Why does it have to be so? Why do some people have to go through life so angry? It just makes me sad (and its hard to work with too). Does the attitude of some people in this world not sadden even you, and others like you who practice the dharma so fully?


My comment:

Hi G.......,

I'm fine except the irritating coughs which started today. That makes me very tired. That's the reason for the slight delay in my reply.

The fact that you realize the situation is an achievement in itself. It is this realization of the true picture that we see the Dhamma. So long as we realize our reactions to situations, we are learning. This is treading the path of Dhamma. We learn to be a better person through our personal experiences. If you are forever patient with all difficult situations, you would be a saint by now; and I will be out of job!

It is easy to recommend radiating metta. But let's be more practical. Get annoyed and reflect on the bad effects of this annoyance. Perhaps this will help us to realize that each time we get annoyed, we feel terrible. And if we don't want to feel terrible, perhaps a little less annoyance can help.

Can we forgive?

Picture from Bigfoto.com
(Picture above may not relate to this post)
(Just for viewing pleasure)

Question: (unedited)
What does Buddhism teach about anger? What does one do about people who have wronged us?

My comment:

Thank you for asking me.

The Buddha reminded us that "anger" is one of our 3 evil roots. The 3 evil roots are "greed", "hatred", and "delusion". "Anger" is a form of hatred. "Delusion" is our ignorance to comprehend the true nature of our lives and the world. These 3 roots cause us great pain because we react to conditions in the wrong way leading us to greater miseries. Take "anger" for instance. Medical science has proven that when we get angry, our system heats up, all energy wasted to further support this heat wave when we wallow in this cycle of adding fuel to the fire. Our bodies literally burn inside us; consuming us both spiritually and physically. Knowing this fact, do we still want to hurt ourselves by this foolish behaviour? It is already bad enough that others had hurt us. Do we want to further hurt ourselves? By getting angry, we think that we are getting even with the other party. No. It is like spitting up in the air.

"What does one do about people who have wronged us?"
It is easy to advise that we radiate loving kindness to them. I find this to be too difficult for most people. Why not take the rational approach?

First we have to be sure that they are the ones who had wronged us. Many times we may be the culprits. Well, assuming they had hurt us. First, is to take whatever rational approach available, legally or diplomatically.

Now come to the spiritual aspect. You have done whatever that needs to be done...that's all. Now you get on with your life. When we start living life in this positive manner, we will have inner peace. Let nature, kamma, or whatever, takes its course. The Buddha reminded us that if we follow the Dhamma, his teachings, the Dhamma protects us. This is the type of confidence that a wise Buddhist will have. Given time, we will find that we can genuinely forgive those who had hurt us. Then we will have complete peace in ourselves.

Getting rid of hurt

http://www.flickr.com/photos/wenflickr/276595491/

Question:(unedited)
hello Justin I am back again. Recently a friend of mine did some things that hurt me very much. I won't go into details but lets just say that she did some very deceitful and manipulative things to hurt me. Now I have used my buddhist wisdom to understand that she is foolish for trying to gain happiness by hurting others, and I do not want revenge, I simply explained to her how I feel, wished her well and told her we will not be friends any longer. The problem is that my meditation practice is now suffering. During meditation my mind aches with hurt, I am not angry and I have tried a "loving-kindness" type of meditation but still my mind races with hurt. What can I do during my practice to help this? I know deep down inside that this situation will pass, but right now it hurts. Thank you Justin for your advice and I hope you are happy and healthy.


My comment:
Yes, you are back again...9th time!

Remember I told you about the straight jacket simile? The more you struggle, the tighter its grip. You must not dwell in the thought. You have to just "NOTE" the thought, period. When it comes again just note and do not pass any comment for or against. Do not hold court and do not be the righteous judge. Otherwise, you will fall into the trap set up by your egoistic mind trying to justify this and condemning that. By the time you realize that you are wondering, you would have come full circle!

Waiting for your good news of teaching your mind a lesson!

Remember you cannot turn back the clock, or manipulate time. But you can take control of the point in time, by just "noting" without judgment. After awhile it will become "nothing". But it will come again, then you "note" again. It is a big "battle". This is Dhamma.

Smile from justinchoo :-) Waiting for your tenth visit!

Sin

Question:(unedited)

I am currently working on a personal project about the nature of Sin. I am the artist and co-author of a religious, contemporary graphic novel focusing heavily on Sin. I want to include more than just the Christian viewpoint, though that will be the main focus, so am contacting experts of various different religions in order to gain a better understanding of the world view of Sin. I was hoping you could give me a rundown of Sin and your understanding of it, anything you have to offer me is helpful and much appreciated, I am open to absolutely any information concerning the subject, and I thank you in advance.

My comment:

"Sin" is a totally Christian concept. In Budhhism there is no such thing as "sin". In Buddhism we guard our lives in terms of wholesome living and unwholesome living. It involves a certain degree of skill in the conduct of our lives. That is why we also refer it as skilful and unskilful conduct. When we conduct our lives in an unwholesome manner we are creating problems for ourselves as well as for others. All our unwholesome actions are centred around 3 main premises of greed, hatred and delusion. Failure to reduce these 3 negative characteristics in our lives, we continue to react to circumstances unskilfully, causing problems for oursleves and others. What we want, we lust and crave for more. We become selfish and greedy. What we don't like, we hate. We become hateful and will even kill to rid those we hate. And because of our ignorance of this vicious cycle of likes and dislikes, we continue to be slaves of external factors. We have no control over our lives because we think that we can depend on external factors to give us maximum satisfaction. In this manner we continue with our lives of misery. The closest interpretion of "sin" in the Buddhism context is this continuous unwholesome life-style that we are following.

Then we have this Christian concept of the original sin. As Buddhists we do not subscribe to this idea. We believe all of us have equal oppotunity and not being handicapped by any "original sin". We have complete control over what we want to do right now.

The inevitable result of "sin" is the feeling of "guilt". Two by-products are the finding of a scapegoat and a saviour. A good Buddhist accepts any unwholesome action as a result of unskilled conduct, and accepts full responsiblity for his own action without blaming anyone. As Buddhists we do not depend on any powerful agent to forgive our "sins". Since we are fully responsible, we must rectify whatever misdeed we have committed by learning from the mistake and to ensure we do not repeat it in future.

Repentance

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Question: (unedited)
I want to know if there is any kind of repentance in buddha. and if it is, how and where it would be done?

My comment:
I think what you mean is whether there is such a practice like the Christian act of confession, and asking someone or some power to forgive your sins. Buddhism is about self realization and the willingness to practise the teachings of the Buddha for personal peace and happiness. The Buddha pointed out to us that we were responsible for all our actions, thoughts, and words. It is our untrained mind that leads us to behave and react in a wrong manner that results in problems. We have freedom to choose our course of actions; and we are fully responsible for our deeds. In this premise, since we have full control over our lives, we are not dependent on any agent to reward or punish us.

Buddhists believe in the law of kamma, or the law of cause and effect. This is the universal law of retribution, which deals with each action in complete fairness. If an act of misdeed is done, a corresponding "punishment" will be forth coming for that particular person. There is no escape. This is the natural law of retribution. It does not depend on an agent to carry out the punishment. The only repentance the person can mitigate is to realize the mistake and not to repeat it. No amount of punishment or forgiveness can vindicate the person if he does not want to change his behaviour.

In Buddhism, there is no necessity for any authority to punish or forgive anyone who commits misdeeds. In the first place, no one has the authority or power to forgive or punish another person's misdeeds. Secondly, Buddhists realize that the only way to repent is for the person to correct himself willingly. If he thinks some power can forgive his sins, this will give him good reason to commit the misdeeds again. After all, he can always fall back to that power to forgive him again.

Forgiving The Unforgiveable (Comment)

This comment is dedicated to Sweet Caroline:

Welcome to the real world. The more fortunate people do not have to experience the agony of family feuds, naughty and incorrigible children, unfilial siblings, squabbling parents, and a host of other family problems. I fully understand how you feel for I am still reeling over similar problems, perhaps more than yours.Before we get too upset over these problems, we have to realize the true nature of life. As Buddhists we are reminded that this life and this world are by their very nature, unsatisfactory. We are here to act out our parts in life, the good and the bad. As Buddhists we attribute this as the results of our past kamma (actions). Many things we have the power to change and prevent. However, certain things and events are destined to happen. We can try our best to lead a skilful and peaceful life. Having done our best and troubles still haunt us, then we have to find solace in the teachings of the Buddha. This is the true nature of existence.

Now coming back to your comment: " How do you forgive those who have hurt you so deep you can not even stand to look at them or think of them or talk about them with anyone?"

Actually you are experiencing the exact opposite of what you wrote. You still want to look at them, you still think of them, and you still talk about them! That's why you are feeling miserable. Just consider this: If you do not look at them, do not think of them, and do not talk about them; then you will not have any more problems with them! This is pure logic. We have been deceived by our mind. Each time when I took my shower, the old scenario played itself over and over again, how they hurt me, how they deserted my mother, why my daughter could have become such..... After awhile I finished my shower and the mental self destructive stage-play stopped! We become victims to our problems which by themselves are already bad enough. To associate mentally with them is like the proverbial adding insult to injury. This is what the Buddha referred to as unskilful conduct, which causes misery.

Your next comment:"I know that this anger and hate is causing me more pain and destruction of myself than my hating this person does to her. She will always be the kind of destructive person she is. I can't change her-how do I change me?"

You got the facts right! Then start with a bit of common sense. Since such behaviour is not to our benefit, we should make effort to reduce this bad habit. As for me, when such thoughts came by and at times when I was mindful, I would command my mind to stop the poisoning, stop the non-productive and destructive thoughts! I didn't have to forgive. Maybe I am not wise enough or magnanimous enough to forgive. But I can stop the destructive thoughts from haunting me. This is the difference.

Your next comment:"This has been going on for 35 years. I ask them to stay away from my home and myself about 2 years ago. Even tho I have no contact with them, do not speak of them with other family members things are still uneven in my marriage and other family relationships."

If this person is no longer within sight, then I would assume this person would not be causing any problem now. Thirty-five years is a very long time. Perhaps you may want to try the method that I am practising.

Have peace in yourself, if not for others.

Forgiving The Unforgiveable (Question)

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It is human nature to get angry when hurt by others, especially the one you most loved and trust for life. How on earth are we going to forgive this cruel betrayal? How could he done that to me? Why is it like that? Why?Why?Why?? I will never forgive him! Revenge! Revenge! Revenge! The world continues to go round and round and round.........

Someone, (very angry), asked this question (unedited):

[How do you forgive those who have hurt you so deep you can not even stand to look at them or think of them or talk about them with anyone?I know that this anger and hate is causing me more pain and destruction of myself than my hating this person does to her. She will always be the kind of destructive person she is. I can't change her-how do I change me?

Thank You, Janet

Not really sure to tell you what my "belief" is. I have always tried to do the right things, taught my children to be decent, loving, caring, understanding. They are wonderful. Why is it so hard for me? I don't want to hate, I am sickened by the anger this person brings to my life. She is a relative so it is impossible to escape having her in my life. She does not care who she hurts or how. She is never sorry. Unfortunetly her daughter is the same way. I have tried to forgive her several times and we have started over without it lasting for long. They lie, steal, manipulate people and situations, always causing grief and destruction in my life and my marriage. This has been going on for 35 years. I ask them to stay away from my home and myself about 2 years ago. Even tho I have no contact with them, do not speak of them with other family members things are still uneven in my marriage and other family relationships. Forgiving them only sets me up for their next catastrophe. Any suggestions?]

Terrible, isn't it? Would you like to give some advice?

I shall give mine to-morrow at 12.01am and dedicate it to Sweet Caroline.