Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Live for today.

(Picture from CK Hon)

Question: (Unedited)
In brief, my husband and I were not getting along, he became very depressed and began overdosing on tranquilizers, alcohol, antidepressants, really messed up his brain and then killed himself with the drugs. I was really angry for about a day but then I realized he was so messed up and not himself, and that I needed to love him and pray for him, especially after what he did. It has been really hard for me because his family and everyone blames me for his death, and I have had some pretty bad feelings of guilt, but mostly what has happened is that I realized that I have loved him all along, and he loved me all along, and things between us just got really messed up. I have been working very hard at trying to process and understand what was going on with him throughout his life and what was going on with us. My Vedic astrologer said that we were very karmically connected, that we were from the same soul family, that he was very sorry for what he did, that he had had such a tortured childhood (he had told me about it and it was) that he was just really messed up. I still feel like I failed because I couldn't love him as much as he needed. He yelled and raged and snapped at me and could be very mean and vindictive and I was really scared of him. The next day or so after he died I asked some Tibetan monks to pray for him. I have been praying for him. I put out food and beer for the first week, and have had pictures of him and I light a candle in front of the pictures when I am home This Wednesday is the 49th day after his death. I wish our souls could be together without all the misunderstanding that had been there for so long. Sometimes when I am calm and loving him I can really feel something in my heart (chakra?). What is the best thing to do to keep helping him? Today I actually considered trying to join him. But then I remembered I really want to be able to go to the Ultimate Luminosity and have him there too. Thanks for any insight you can give.

My comment:
Hi M,
It is very heart breaking to read tragic events like yours. It is also very easy to say I'm sorry to hear that. But that's not going to help. It is also very easy for me to comment because I am just an "arm-chair advisor". What authority have I to give advice? I am just an ordinary mortal. However, I shall try my best to share my views.

A very important decision that must be made is that what is past cannot be altered. There is no going back. So it will be a waste of time to constantly think back of past events. The more you think the more hurt you will feel. In the extreme case, a person may experience a nervous breakdown, simply because the system cannot take it anymore. The first step of remedy is not to trace back past events. Each time when the urge to think back surfaces, one has to be mindful and wise to stop the process. With constant attention to this effort, over time the mind will gradually let go of the past traumatic experiences and will enable the person to start a "new life".It is the present life available that is important and useful. Today is the beginning of the rest of your life. You have to start living your life now, and to stop feeling sorrow for past events irrespective of who was right or wrong.

Your Vedic astrologer may have his views, but I think you have the intelligence to think for yourself. The best approach now is to start living and forget about finding "answers" to what had already happened. From your description, I think you are an Asian. Asian cultures place much emphasis on respect for elders as well as for the deceased. The best way to show respect to and honour for him will be for you to straighten up your life and start living a beneficial life. This is to prove that your life is still worthwhile and it is essential that you have the wisdom and resilient to look forward to a better future.

Your life is in your hands; there is light at the end of the tunnel. Please strive forward with diligence, as the Buddha advised.

Below is my favourite comment:

Learn from yesterday

Strive for tomorrow


TIME is the greatest healer. Be patient and take care.


A true Malaysian said...


"So it will be a waste of time to constantly think back of past events. The more you think the more hurt you will feel."

How true for saying this, I couldn't agree with you more on this. But, it is always the case we tend to forget to put this into practise. You get what I mean?

Your blog here is my favourite reference point to remind myself on this,

Learn from yesterday

Strive for tomorrow


PM said...


""My Vedic astrologer said that we were very karmically connected""

This is true even if we want to forget what has happened. The passed love ones will make himself felt in many mysterious ways.

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